The Need for Control
by Opaque Vision
Summary: John’s head is a messed up place! Set at the beginning of 2x02. John just needs a little time to think and decompress. Light hints of J/C.


This is an introspective thought piece based on the inner musings of John Connor as I imagine it. I couldn't stop thinking about what must be going through his head after the events of his sixteenth birthday and just in general. So out of my head and onto paper (figuratively) they go! ;)

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"_You can't be trusted." _

He couldn't be trusted? He had _saved _her and _he_ couldn't be trusted?

John brushed a hand over his newly shortened hair. His mother hadn't mentioned it, but she was most likely trying to handle him with caution for the time being. Even John would admit that he was a bit different ever since Sarkissian died.

He had told his mother that he didn't need to talk about it. What he didn't say was that he didn't want to talk about anything. He just wanted to sit in silence and process everything that life was throwing at him. Wanted to just put his 'destiny' on pause and be an average angst-ridden teenager who felt the world was crashing down around them.

Figuratively, most teenagers felt that way, but John felt it literally and was in danger of being crushed beneath its weight. How would you react if you had known since childhood that you were expected to be the savior of mankind? Barely sixteen years old and already responsible for the salvation of the human race.

_He clutched the chip tightly in his hand, unwilling to relinquish it to anyone else. They were too eager. Had always been too eager to see her destroyed. He was the only one on her side. And sometimes he thought she was the only one really on his side. _

It struck John as odd that his future self continually sent machines back in time to save him. Sure he sent resistance fighters too, but their mission was different. They were to prevent SkyNet from becoming operational, but the Terminators, they were here to save him. Uncle Bob had been the closest thing he had to a father figure until Charley came along. Now Cameron was the closest thing he had to a friend.

Should the leader of the resistance against machines really be this close to those which he fights? What was his future self thinking?

Deep inside, in his thoughts which would never be spoken to his mother, Derek, or anyone, John wondered if he was supposed to have an affinity for machines. Perhaps his future self intended for him to occupy the gray area in between? Not pro-machine, but not anti-machine.

The resistance would never be able to completely destroy machines. Not without their assistance, as evidenced by Uncle Bob and Cameron. Could a truce be reached with machines? Judging by Derek's views on machines, John guessed that stance would not be well received by humanity after Judgment Day. However, wars between different nations were resolved with truces all the time. Why should a war between humans and machines be so different? Was it even possible for a machine to comprehend a truce?

John rubbed his eyes and sighed, all the introspective and theoretical musings about the future made his head hurt. He should be able to understand his future self. They were, after all, the same person.

Then again, were they? Experiences shape a large portion of how people act and live. Did his future self have the same experiences as him? How did time travel change the time line? Was it linear? Did time travel cause the time line to split and cause parallel existences?

Was his future self a completely different person than he is now and a different person from who he is becoming?

If he was supposed to destroy the machines then why were they sent back as his protectors? His future self must know how attached he would become to them. _It didn't make sense. _If his future self wanted him to hate machines, he wouldn't have them save his life. He wouldn't have _her_ save his life.

Cameron.

Her words that he couldn't be trusted stung more than he wanted to admit. She wasn't human, but she did experience things, learn about the world, and interact with people. Doesn't any of that make her worth redemption? People make mistakes all the time. Why should Cameron be cast aside because her chip was temporarily impaired?

What does it even mean to be human? Could a machine reach a level of self awareness that matches a human's?

He thought she was on his side. He was on hers after all. But her words shook his belief in her place on his side. Was anyone really on _his_ side? Or were they just on the side of the future?

_So many questions and so few answers. _

John felt as if his life was beyond his control, a destiny and fate so large that he wasn't allowed to steer it himself. Between his mother, Cameron, Derek, and his future self, were there any decisions he was allowed to make? Would it be asking too much to want a little control in his life?

Run. Hide. Fight. Destroy. Move. All decisions made by others. His _life _decided by others.

He had cut his hair because he needed to do something that was _his_ decision and not anyone else's. Maybe it was time to start applying that logic to his life at large. Maybe it was time for him to start being _the _John Connor. Maybe it was time to do what he wanted for a change.

"So, um, you've been sitting in the same exact spot since you bailed out on English. I figure it must have some kind of redeeming value."

John glanced up at the voice, knowing already that he should send her away. But maybe, just maybe, this was an opportunity. A chance to make his own decisions for once.

After all, he doesn't have to prove anything to anyone. He's the future savior of mankind. It's about time he started making his own future. Perhaps long overdue.

--

Author's comments: I think that John needs to have some control right now. Maybe because of what happened in the room with Sarkissian? We won't know exactly until they tell us what happened, but I think John is struggling with his life (and destiny) being larger than he is. So I'm interpreting Riley (for the time being) as a way for John to have control over a situation. Mainly his line of "Because you want to call me, and that's just the way it is" caused me to think this way. He was so definitive and "that's that" when he said it. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it! :)


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